Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts

Twenty-Twenty Vision

Monday, January 6, 2020

Welcome to 2020! Last year for NYE, I was on my couch, sick with the flu and absolutely miserable! To make up for last year, I threw together a makeshift "party" by setting up a photo backdrop, dressing up, and doing my makeup in the stereotypically "NYE" way with a glittery, smokey eye. I danced (badly), played charades, drank a little bubbly, and counted down - and then settled down in my Barbie PJs for watching Disney movies after midnight :')

A bit low-key definitely, but fun nonetheless - and certainly an upgrade from last year! I'm trying to remain hopeful for this year, but it can be difficult. Either way, I'm sending you so much love and thank you for occupying this world with me.

Autumn Goals List

Friday, November 1, 2019

As much as I love seeing the leaves turn dazzling shades of crimson and marigold - time passage always makes me a little sad as we inch closer and closer to the bitter cold of winter. To combat this, I decided to create a list of goals for autumn - and hopefully help take full advantage of the beautiful season!

Bake a Pumpkin Pie
Fall always makes me think of warm spices, pies, and cakes - I feel like it's the perfect season to bake more! And after taking to twitter to lament the intimidating particulars of pie crust and getting so many encouraging replies - I've been feeling more capable of tackling a long time goal of making a pumpkin pie! I definitely plan on making a pie crust from scratch - but to start, I think I’m goin to buy a pre-made crust, and then get fancy with the filling to compensate...

On Beauty Standards & Hamlet Inspired Self Portraits...

Monday, June 24, 2019

To sleep,
perchance to dream --

Sometimes, I have a hard time feeling like I need to be all these things - youthful, pretty, soft, small. While taking photos the other day, I was trying to project all of that: but after looking at the photos I wanted to cry. I began hyper focusing on the lines under my eyes, how tired I looked, how my body looked.

So I decided to hell with it - I put my hair up, smoked out my cried off eye makeup, and started taking portraits - only this time, instead of worrying about looking pretty, I decided to try to look annoyed, confident, bored, smug… Slowly, I realized I was trying to emulate a bit of a Shakespearean hero - think Romeo’s bravado or Hamlet’s weariness.

Looking at these photos, I definitely didn’t want to cry. I still saw the eye bags, all the flaws I hyper fixate on - but I also saw somebody who was confident not in spite of, but because of - and it made all the difference ♥️

Makeup Used:
For deeper shadows under the eye: grey eyeshadow
Too Faced Baby Love Blush
MAC Boldly Bare Lip Liner *
Sephora Always Red Liquid Lipstick (for the lip print)

Golden Light

Thursday, December 13, 2018

I'm Wearing... Miss Patina blouse *, ModCloth pinafore *

I have spent the majority of my life feeling inarticulate and not particularly good enough at anything. It was only through blogging that I finally started to feel like maybe I was *good* at something. But if I am, it has only been through making a conscious, dedicated effort to get “good” at things every single day - like taking photos, conceptualizing shoots, writing, editing, etc. And it didn’t just fall into my lap. It has been a culmination of everything I had loved, felt, and was touched by for years. These feelings were always teeming in me - I had to release them. To do these things justice I had to get better at whatever medium I could express them in.

This October, I find myself sitting on a chair and looking into a small crowd of college students. My voice is shaky and cracking a lot, but I’m addressing their questions and making eye contact. I’ve been asked to speak on my experience with fashion marketing for Lena Cavusoglu’s Marketing Management class at Portland State University.

I was scared to death, I made many mistakes. But I knew I had to do this. And afterward, even though I replayed my mistakes in my mind and cringed, students still shook my hand and thanked me for my time, and Lena said she’d love to have me back. With adrenaline coursing through my veins, I smiled back at her and said I would love to. After all, I know how to do better next time. Don’t give up on yourself or your dreams ♡

Photos taken at Burgerville after the talk - I needed french fries after that haha!

A Goodbye to Summer with Hana Haley

Monday, December 10, 2018

In the past four years, I have attempted to put into words how much Hana Haley means to me many times. We meet at a critical, painful point in my life, and she represented the first time I ever worked with a professional photographer. Not knowing what to expect at all, I was practically trembling when I knocked on her door. But the second I met Hana, all my fears melted - she makes you feel like you are the entire universe when you are around her. Hilarious, protective, and radiating light - I see how people are drawn to her everywhere we go.

After doing a shoot every couple months together for around two years, life forced us to take a break that stretched out to three years. This summer, we were finally reunited. After spotting each other in a parking lot, I ran to be enveloped in a familiar hug - it was like no time had passed at all. On both an artistic and personal stand point, I feel like we click together perfectly - like a friendship heart necklace put back together. Originally planning on just catching up over coffee, we did an impromptu shoot that included location hopping, rose garden smelling, eating fries, changing dresses in the backseat, and taking photos in the Photo Booth. All the while, speaking a mile a minute - that night, my voice was raspy from talking (and laughing, and smiling...) so much!

At the end of the day Hana dropped me back home. Clinging to each other, we swore it was not going to be three more years until we see each other again. "I can't even be sad today is over, I'm so grateful it happened at all," I said before letting go. ☆


COAT: Miss Patina * DRESS: ASOS

BLOUSE: Forever 21 SKIRT: Amazon then I painted cherries on it PURSE: Amazon

When Your Work Isn't "Good Enough"

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Last month, my best friend Lux asked me "How do you find motivation to keep at something when you're starting out and bad at it?" and I've been ruminating on it. As a perfectionist, self-taught Capricorn, I felt a little silly answering this because I feel like this all the time. In fact, I can probably count on my singular hand how many times I've been really happy with how one of my projects have turned out. But over the past few years, I have been able to come away with some tips and tricks that I regularly need to tell myself before embarking on a project, and wanted to share them with you! Because I know, feeling like your work isn't "good enough" can be gut-wrenching. Let's do it!

Lower Your Standards
While you are seeing all the little mistakes, comparing the work to what it could have been, everybody is seeing simply what is - and without that comparison they can see what is great about it! Let's take a photoshoot I recently did for example. In my mind, I had mocked up a beautiful shoot in front of a location. I was so excited - but once I was there, the location was not looking how I wanted in photos, and I couldn't figure out how to pose with it in the way I had envisioned. Defeated, I took some more photos and went home. I studied the photos on my computer and wanted to cry. I woke up the next day, looked at them some more, and realized something: they were actually still pretty good. Once I let go of this impossible standard of what was in my mind, I was able to appreciate what was actually tangibly in front of me.

Rome Was Not Built in a Day
You absolutely cannot expect yourself to be wonderful at something when you are first starting out. Any experience, even what you might perceive to be failure, is still a success because you are going forward with that experience under your belt, and the knowledge of what not to do. You need to let yourself fail, just learn from what you did wrong (or right!), and take those lessons with you onto your next project. Start small, and allow yourself to grow.

And let me tell you a little secret - if you hate how it turned out, you can always try again! You can reshoot, rewrite, revamp, or reboot later, when you are "better", and rerelease it!

You Are Wasting Time
I know, I know. This is the last thing you want to hear! And it's the last thing I want to tell myself. But this is a reality. All this time you are wasting trying to get motivated to create something you fear is going to suck, you are wasting the experience you will gain from it. You are wasting the opportunity of learning from your mistakes or successes, and you are wasting the possibility of making something even greater then you imagined. I could probably make myself cry thinking about what I could have done or where I could be if I had gained the experience from all the projects I was too afraid to pursue. We cannot let the fear of failure consume and cloud our thoughts so heavily it holds us back and enables these opportunities pass us by.

One project I really wanted to do was a lookbook set at my grandparents' house. I had drawn storyboards, picked out outfits, even wrote a little narrative down. But I kept putting it off because I wanted to do it "properly". This summer, they sold their house. This Spring, I wanted to do some portraits up against my seamless paper background of my darling dog, Maggie, but wanted to do it "perfectly" so I put it off. She passed away from cancer in May. I had and have missed my opportunity. And I really don't want you to miss yours. Stop taking for granted you will be able to do these things "later" when you are "better", and do it now. Before it's too late.

Because if you keep waiting for when you feel "good enough", you could be waiting forever.

Perfection Doesn't Exist
There have been many times I've asked friends, family, and peers for feedback on something and they said they liked the piece. I would then tell them about the "problems" I had with it, and they said they never would have noticed had I not pointed it out. I have seen pieces that were so incredible to me, and when I complimented the artist, they would say "Thank you but (points out something they perceive to be a mistake)".

I know telling yourself a version of perfection doesn't exist is hard, but you have to. If you really looked for a flaw, you could probably find a flaw in anything. You cannot allow yourself to get so caught up in the small details you can't see the big picture.

I sincerely hope some of this will help, even if it's a little bit! Please be gentle with yourself and remember: any progress, good or bad, is still progress. Please don't hold yourself back, I believe in you and I believe in myself, and we can do it!

Unrelated photos of me by Jimmy Marble.


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Illustration by Anna Birkedal

In summer 2012, Maggie, a seven year old, black chihuahua and dachshund mix, literally fell into our laps. We weren't looking to adopt a dog, but Maggie quickly won us all over with her soulful, sweet brown eyes and quiet but infectious personality. Slowly, as she got to know us, Maggie's personality blossomed, and instead of quietly following us around, she would demand to be the center of attention, bark when she wanted to go on a walk, and we absolutely loved her for it. Maggie exemplified every positive trait of dogs - she was fearless, loyal, always excited, always happy to see us. She genuinely helped me and my family through the most difficult years of our lives.

On May 5th, my sweet Maggie passed away from cancer at age 11. And though it's now been a month and a half, it still hurts so much. Thus why I have avoided writing this post - I still don't want to believe it. I miss her so much, and I keep thinking of all the moments I wasn't able to catch of her on video or in photos (I have a bunch on my phone, but very few on my DSLRs since she never stood still) - I'm so afraid of forgetting. Like how she would click her water dish when she needed water, or how her ears would perk just so when she heard a noise below her...

Knowing we got her for only four of her eleven years has been incredibly hard. I am so heartbroken I wasn't able to spend 11 amazing years with her, but even though this has been so painful I am so glad I was able to know this truly, strong, feisty little dog. I miss you Maggie...

Illustration by Anna Birkedal was a sweet surprise that left me in tears! Thank you so much Anna - I'll never forget your kindness in such a sad time.


Friday, April 14, 2017

Genuinely did not mean to take a break from blogging - but things like (but not limited to) the ugly winter weather, family and pet problems, and a mysterious rash on my hands that kept getting worse and worse which made it extremely difficult to get work done... meant it just sort of happened.

After finally learning the extremely red, extremely painful rash on my hands wasn't what it was originally diagnosed as but in fact an extreme case of untreated eczema (which I had no idea I even had and is finally clearing up nicely!) just in time for spring, I am so excited to start posting regularly again!

If you have eczema and would like to share any tips or stories, please feel free to in the comments as I am so curious to hear all about your experiences! <3 Love you all and see you soon!

Photos originally taken for my collaboration on instagram with evo hair.

The Enchanted Forest with Anastasjia

Monday, September 19, 2016

Two Saturdays ago, I spent the dreamiest afternoon with Anastasjia Louise and her boyfriend Ashton exploring the Enchanted Forest - a storybook inspired theme park! We have so much in common, and Anastasjia, Ashton, and I spent the entire way there and back laughing, smiling, and singing until my voice hurt!

At the park, we spent the day taking lots of pictures, exploring the park (thus my sneakers, please excuse them - THERE WAS LOTS OF HIKING...), riding a roller coaster (which was surprisingly scary oh my goodness), and Anastasjia and I got mistaken for part of the park - multiple times!

So excited for future hangouts and *still* on cloud 9 from such a perfect day! ♡

(Excuse my goofy face here and just look at Anastasjia haha)

DRESS: c/o Samantha Pleet BERET: c/o Miss Patina SOCKS: F21

Thank you Ashton for the photos!

Just Do It!

Sunday, May 10, 2015


Does anybody else find themselves saying "I can't do this right now, because I do not have the talent or skill to pull it off"? I find myself thinking this all. the. time. Because I don't have enough confidence in my own abilities and it has caused me to stand still. In my mind I decide that I'm going to do something in x amount of time, and when that self-imposed deadline finally comes, I still don't feel like I'm good enough to do it! "If I wait to do this, I can do it better," I keep telling myself.

But one day I came to a very scary realization - I could trick myself to do this literally forever. I can't let myself not do what I want to do because I'm not "good enough" yet - because you know what? I don't think I'm ever going to feel "good" enough! But instead of using that as a reason to freeze, you can use that feeling to motivate yourself to work harder and drive you forward.

It is okay to let your work represent where you are and your skill level at this exact moment. I have found when I push myself to try, even if I don't love the result, I get feedback from people I respect and I learn so much from the process. And another freeing thought: worst case, in the future, you can just redo it.

So I have decided my new mantra needs to be "Just Do It". Because you know what? We can do it - and we will!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! Please let me know if you have ever felt similarly. Of course there are exceptions to this "rule", but if you are anything like me, this feeling can snowball into not doing any of the things I want to do...! (Like drawing or even riding a horse...)

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